TEEN TRENDS: WHAT'S A PARENT TO DO?

So, you find yourself with a troubled teen. What can you do? First, you must not feel guilty, because you are not the only influence in your teen's life. Oh, if only it were that simple.


* IS THIS A TROUBLED TEEN OR NORMAL ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR? SIGNS OF A TROUBLED TEEN:

• Your teen becomes more secretive.
• Your teen disregards house rules.
• Your teen is defiant towards you or teachers.
• Your teen is easily agitated and uses profanity regularly and shows disrespect.
• Your teen has regular, sudden outbursts of anger that seem unreasonable for the event that caused the anger.
• Your teen regularly misses curfew, does not show up when expected, and lies about his/her whereabouts.
• Your teenager has suddenly changed his/her peer group and hasn't made an effort to let you meet these new friends. The new group has led to a distinct change in appearance (clothing, jewelry) and change in attitude (more sullen, defiant, hostile).
• Your teen has stolen money from you on regular occasions.
• Your teen's grades have suddenly dropped and he/she has lost interest in his/her usual activities.
• You discover your teen using drugs and/or alcohol.

WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?

Somewhere along the way, parents and teens have forgotten the difference between rights and privileges. As parents, we live such busy lives just trying to support our family that we feel guilty about not being able to spend as much time with our teen as we should. To make up for this guilt, we give our teens whatever they want; whenever they want it; whether they deserve it or not. It's time for parents to stop feeling guilty.

According to Child Protective Services (CPS), your teen has a right to have a roof over his/her head, 2 sets of clean clothing, nutritious food, medical care, and an abuse-free home. CPS does not require parents to supply any extra amenities, including:

• TV
• CD's
• DVD's
• XBox
• Ipod/MP3 Player
• Cell Phone
• Cable
• Stereo
• Computer
• Internet
• Driver's License
• A car
• Gas
• Allowance
• Designer Clothes
• Music/Dance Lessons
• Sports
• Their favorite snacks...These are privileges, not rights.

Did you know you are not required to furnish a bed for your teen? This is not a right. It is a privilege.


MY STORY

If you have been following my blog, then you know Hollie was a troubled teen. I had asked Hollie over and over to stop putting stuff under her bed. I would search her room often (she knew I did this; don't sneak around), and the more stuff under her bed, the longer it took me to finish. (I think she was trying to deter me.) At this point, I wasn't looking for drugs, I was looking for objects she could cut herself with (and yes, she hid them). (See my post To Snoop or Not to Snoop.) So, I finally took her bed apart and put the mattress flat on the floor. Did she like this? No...she didn't, but this was not about her. It was about making my job to keep her safe a lot easier...and quicker.

Once she started using drugs, she always locked her bedroom door. I told her over and over, if she didn't stop locking her door, the door was coming down. So, that day came when I decided the door needed to come down. It turned out to be difficult to remove the door, so I removed the doorknob, so she couldn't lock her door. Did she like it? Oh no, she didn't. She was mad! But having a door (or doorknob) is privilege, not a right.


Parents have to use these privileges to their advantage. So, if you recognize the above warning signs of a troubled teen in your teenager, strip everything out of their room, but a mattress on the floor. (You should supply sheets and a blanket.) And then let your teen start earning these privileges back. I know this may seem cruel, but remember you're trying to save your teen.


A WORD OF WARNING:

When your teen starts having problems, your first thought may be to take him/her out of public school and put him/her in a private or Christian school. That's exactly what I did. But a word of warning, don't think that just because you put your teen in a "Christian" school, he/she will suddenly turn back into that sweet little angel, because that's not happening. Drugs can be easier for them to get at a private/Christian school than in public school. Remember, every other parent who has a troubled teen has put their child in this same private/Christian school.

MY OTHER STORY

After Hollie failed 7th grade twice and I realized she was in trouble, I decided to remove her from Pearl and her friends. I sent her to live with her grandmother, and sometimes her dad, who both lived in Byram, and I enrolled her in a Christian school there. Did she like it? No...she was very mad, but again this wasn't about what she wanted. She lost her right to choose when she started with the drugs and other dangerous behavior.

The only problem with moving her to Byram was I lost complete control of the situation. Her grandmother trusted her too much (and I love her grandmother), and she gave Hollie too much freedom, so things got worse instead of better. After Hollie almost overdosed on Triple C, I put her in rehab. After a lot of praying, after rehab, I decided to leave Hollie in the school in Byram (her grades had improved), but I brought her back home to live with me. Yes, it turned out to be more work for me, having to drive her 30 minutes to school every morning before going to work, but as parents we have to do whatever it takes to keep our teens safe.

TIPS FOR PARENTS:

• Always let your teen know you love them no matter what they do and no matter what kind of trouble they get into. They need to know that they can always count on you to be there.
• If you expect your teen to live by certain standards, you have got to mirror those same standards. That old saying, "do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work. Believe it or not, your teen looks to you for guidance. A dad who chugs a case of beer on the weekend, can't tell his son "don't drink" and expect his son to listen. (That's just my opinion.)
• Never back down when it comes to the rules you have established. Your teen will try to push the limits. Be ready for them.
• Parents need to spend quality time with their teen to establish a solid, trusting relationship. (Quality is more important than quantity. Again, that's my opinion.) Spending 15 minutes in meaningful conversation with your teen, learning what is happening in their life goes a lot further in establishing a good relationship than sitting in front of the TV for an hour (with your teen) in silence.
• Be aware of your teen's struggles. Chances are, he/she won't ask for help. It is vital that teens have hands-on parents who can recognize potential problems and help their teen deal with these situations before there is a crisis.
• Do realize, there are times you may have to seek professional help for your teen. Some of these problems are more than a parent is capable of handling.
• And don't ever give up on your teen. Be patient, no matter how hard it is. Luckily, this too will pass.

P.S. The one thing I never did was read Hollie's diary. But...if she left her notes by the computer or dropped on the living room floor, then they became community property for anyone to read.

P.S.S. And please realize, I'm not an expert, but this is what worked for me in helping Hollie through her troubled teen years. She is now 20, in college, and doing well.

*http//www.4troubledteens.com/
http://www.troubledteensinfo.com/