TEEN TRENDS: 10 Signs of an Abusive Boyfriend

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

After watching Dr. Phil yesterday, I learned that February is Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Awareness Month! I decided to run this guest post again to help keep parents aware of what they need to be on the look out for, because so many of our daughters get caught up in an abusive relationship, and they are scared, and may not feel they can turn to you for help, especially if their boyfriend has threatened them.  This is where being a "hands-on" parent is very important.

(Because of school and midterms, I am honored to have a guest writer this week that many of you probably know. Elizabeth Donovan, M. A. of ParentingPink.com is the author of this great post that all parents who have a daughter, who is of dating age, should read and make note of these warning signs. It wouldn't hurt for the parents of sons to also read this article to see if he is displaying some of these signs towards his girlfriend. Remember to leave a comment letting Elizabeth know how much you enjoyed her article.)

“I’m fine mom! Leave me alone!” she tearfully yells as she storms upstairs. Your daughter and her boyfriend are fighting again. Lately, it seems like that’s all they do. As you try to conjure up images of your own dating experience, you may find yourself wondering if this much fighting is normal. And if so, how would you know if something far worse is going on?As parents, it’s easy for us to feel protective and controlling when it comes to raising our daughters. Our child’s happiness and safety are constantly on our mind. But it can be difficult to confront unpleasant situations with our teenagers no matter how prepared we are to do so. We may tell ourselves, “It’s her first boyfriend, arguments happen.” or, “She would never tolerate anyone who hurt her. She’d walk away in a heartbeat.” But unfortunately many teenage girls get caught up in relationships that are unhealthy and harmful. In fact, 26% of girls in grades 9-12 have been the victim of abuse including emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse.As parents, we do our best to prepare and nurture our girls to become strong women, but sooner or later, our daughters will have to make their own choices about friends, drugs, and boys. If you suspect your daughter may be a victim of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, it’s important to identify the signs so you can intervene immediately.

Remember, your daughter may be unable or unwilling to tell you what’s really going on. Her boyfriend may have threatened her or she may be afraid of how you will react. Regardless, it’s up to you to help her sort everything out. Early intervention can mean the difference between a healthy psychological recovery and devastating loss.

TOP 10 SIGNS OF ABUSE:

• Isolation. Typically the first step of an abuser is to isolate their victim. He wants to control her and may insist that your daughter stop spending time with family and friends. His goal is to isolate her and he will resort to any tactic he finds necessary – including telling her lies about family and friends. He might say, “You don’t need to go to the mall with your girlfriend; she’s saying things behind your back anyway. You know I really love you and would never do that.”
• It’s all about HIM. Once your daughter’s isolated, then he can more easily control and manipulate her. His goal? To make her completely – physically and emotionally – dependent on him for everything. Without the support of family and friends, it will also make it harder for her to leave him.
• Her dress dramatically changes. Your daughter may start to wear long sleeved shirts in warm weather or more make-up on her face to hide bruising. She may also begin to dress the way he dictates. Some abusive boyfriends insist that their girlfriends either wear clothing that is way too baggy (he doesn’t want other guys to find her attractive) or clothing that is overly sexy (in an effort to exploit her).
• Withdraws from activities she used to love. If your daughter abruptly decides she wants to quit the basketball team or stop attending Youth Group, you should make sure she’s not being pressured to do so. The less contact she has with the outside world, the more dependent she will become on her boyfriend. By withdrawing from the world, not only is she more susceptible to his abuse, but she may develop additional mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
• He controls her every move. He decides where they will go, who they will spend time with, what she will wear, and how she will behave. He may also get pushy or bossy with you over when he can see her and how often.
• She makes excuses for bruises or marks on her body. If you notice any unusual bruising or marks, your teen may make excuses for them. Remember, victims often feel ashamed and embarrassed about the abuse. She may also be so entrenched in the relationship with her boyfriend that she is in denial about what is really going on.
• Intense mood swings. It’s a fact that teens have hormones and mood swings, but be on the look out for more severe behavior like crying more often, refusing to be with family, extreme anger, or intense depression.
• watch for signs of extreme jealousy from her boyfriend.
• Sleep disturbances or nightmares. When our bodies are stressed, one of the first things that begin to crop up is sleep disturbances. If your daughter is experiencing trauma in her life, her sleep patterns may be interrupted. She may exhibit any of the following symptoms: insomnia, nightmares, or sleeping more than usual.
• Academic failure. One sure fire way to predict that something is going on with your daughter is if you see a dramatic shift in her grades. If her grades begin to fall, it’s time to investigate the cause.

While these signs may point to signs of abuse, it’s important to remember that taken together or separately, they may also be symptoms of other issues. If you suspect that you daughter has been a victim of any form of abuse, it’s important to TALK to her about it and to seek professional mental health counseling. The trauma of abuse can have far-reaching effects on your daughter and your family so it’s important to help her get through it now. She may protest, but she will thank you later.

Another thing I learned on Dr. Phil yesterday, and this is scary, but Dr. Phil says, "the most violent time in an abusive relationship is the minute the woman leaves, or tries to leave. In fact, in domestic violence cases, more than 70 percent of injuries and murders happen after the victim leaves. This phenomenon is known as separation assault." Leaving an abusive relationship can be very hard for your daughter, granddaughter, or sister.

If you think your daughter may be in an abusive relationship, Dr. Phil has this questionnaire on his site that will help you answer that question.  http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/670

If you have a daughter who is currently in a relationship, this is a quiz you need to take even if her boyfriend appears to be the nicest guy in town, because remember, he is going to be the perfect gentleman in front of you, but you may recognize some of the signs that Elizabeth mentioned above.

 

Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., founder of ParentingPink.com, is a former adolescent psychotherapist and mental health supervisor with over a decade of experience in the field. She has three daughters and resides just outside of Washington D.C.

You can read more of her articles at http://www.parentingpink.com/