TEEN TRENDS: 10 Signs of an Abusive Boyfriend

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

(Because of school and midterms, I am honored to have a guest writer this week that many of you probably know. Elizabeth Donovan, M. A. of ParentingPink.com is the author of this great post that all parents who have a daughter, who is of dating age, should read and make note of these warning signs. It wouldn't hurt for the parents of sons to also read this article to see if he is displaying some of these signs towards his girlfriend. Remember to leave a comment letting Elizabeth know how much you enjoyed her article.)

“I’m fine mom! Leave me alone!” she tearfully yells as she storms upstairs. Your daughter and her boyfriend are fighting again. Lately, it seems like that’s all they do. As you try to conjure up images of your own dating experience, you may find yourself wondering if this much fighting is normal. And if so, how would you know if something far worse is going on?

As parents, it’s easy for us to feel protective and controlling when it comes to raising our daughters. Our child’s happiness and safety are constantly on our mind. But it can be difficult to confront unpleasant situations with our teenagers no matter how prepared we are to do so. We may tell ourselves, “It’s her first boyfriend, arguments happen.” or, “She would never tolerate anyone who hurt her. She’d walk away in a heartbeat.” But unfortunately many teenage girls get caught up in relationships that are unhealthy and harmful. In fact, 26% of girls in grades 9-12 have been the victim of abuse including emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse.

As parents, we do our best to prepare and nurture our girls to become strong women, but sooner or later, our daughters will have to make their own choices about friends, drugs, and boys. If you suspect your daughter may be a victim of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, it’s important to identify the signs so you can intervene immediately.

Remember, your daughter may be unable or unwilling to tell you what’s really going on. Her boyfriend may have threatened her or she may be afraid of how you will react. Regardless, it’s up to you to help her sort everything out. Early intervention can mean the difference between a healthy psychological recovery and devastating loss.

TOP 10 SIGNS OF ABUSE:

• Isolation. Typically the first step of an abuser is to isolate their victim. He wants to control her and may insist that your daughter stop spending time with family and friends. His goal is to isolate her and he will resort to any tactic he finds necessary – including telling her lies about family and friends. He might say, “You don’t need to go to the mall with your girlfriend; she’s saying things behind your back anyway. You know I really love you and would never do that.”
• It’s all about HIM. Once your daughter’s isolated, then he can more easily control and manipulate her. His goal? To make her completely – physically and emotionally – dependent on him for everything. Without the support of family and friends, it will also make it harder for her to leave him.
• Her dress dramatically changes. Your daughter may start to wear long sleeved shirts in warm weather or more make-up on her face to hide bruising. She may also begin to dress the way he dictates. Some abusive boyfriends insist that their girlfriends either wear clothing that is way too baggy (he doesn’t want other guys to find her attractive) or clothing that is overly sexy (in an effort to exploit her).
• Withdraws from activities she used to love. If your daughter abruptly decides she wants to quit the basketball team or stop attending Youth Group, you should make sure she’s not being pressured to do so. The less contact she has with the outside world, the more dependent she will become on her boyfriend. By withdrawing from the world, not only is she more susceptible to his abuse, but she may develop additional mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
• He controls her every move. He decides where they will go, who they will spend time with, what she will wear, and how she will behave. He may also get pushy or bossy with you over when he can see her and how often.
• She makes excuses for bruises or marks on her body. If you notice any unusual bruising or marks, your teen may make excuses for them. Remember, victims often feel ashamed and embarrassed about the abuse. She may also be so entrenched in the relationship with her boyfriend that she is in denial about what is really going on.
• Intense mood swings. It’s a fact that teens have hormones and mood swings, but be on the look out for more severe behavior like crying more often, refusing to be with family, extreme anger, or intense depression.
• Jealousy. Is she becoming more possessive and jealous of him? Sometimes victims in abusive relationships latch on to the very person that is abusing them because they feel they can trust no one else. In a sense, she’s been brainwashed into believing that he is the only one who truly cares for her. She may feel she doesn’t deserve anyone better than her abuser and refuse to give him up. Likewise, watch for signs of extreme jealousy from her boyfriend.
• Sleep disturbances or nightmares. When our bodies are stressed, one of the first things that begin to crop up is sleep disturbances. If your daughter is experiencing trauma in her life, her sleep patterns may be interrupted. She may exhibit any of the following symptoms: insomnia, nightmares, or sleeping more than usual.
• Academic failure. One sure fire way to predict that something is going on with your daughter is if you see a dramatic shift in her grades. If her grades begin to fall, it’s time to investigate the cause.

While these signs may point to signs of abuse, it’s important to remember that taken together or separately, they may also be symptoms of other issues. If you suspect that you daughter has been a victim of any form of abuse, it’s important to TALK to her about it and to seek professional mental health counseling. The trauma of abuse can have far-reaching effects on your daughter and your family so it’s important to help her get through it now. She may protest, but she will thank you later.

Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., founder of ParentingPink.com, is a former adolescent psychotherapist and mental health supervisor with over a decade of experience in the field. She has three daughters and resides just outside of Washington D.C.

www.parentingpink.com

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!!

I have been tagged by 3 Boys and Adoption. She awarded me with the Honest Scrap award given to others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you. What an honor. Stop on by her blog and leave a comment.

This award comes with some rules:

1) Thank the person who gave the award and list their blog and link it.
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

So now 10 Honest Things about me:

1. I'm 40ish & still sleep with a nightlight.
2. I've now been a single mom longer than a married mom.
3. I love candles & keep them burning when I'm at home...very soothing.
4. When I was a teenager, I had a crush on Barry Manilow.
5. I didn't have my first beer until I was 24...all I can say is "YUCK!!"
6. I have friends who say I'm OCD, but they're just crazy. (Deep down I know it's true.)
7. I love to read...Dean Koontz, Sidney Shelton & Mary Higgins-Clark are my favorites.
8. I have always been afraid of my girls getting snatched...it made me an over-protective mom.
9. I love giving parties for my girls...birthday...Halloween...New Years Eve...any kind any time.
10. I type 90 wpm.

And this award goes to:

Fahrenheit 350
Holly
Jen
Yaya
Vicki
Michelle
Eva

Stop by these deserving blogs & leave some comment love.

THE DEATH OF A CHILD

After 7-year-old Somer Thompson disappeared on her way home from school, investigators followed nine garbage trucks from her neighborhood to a Georgia landfill nearly fifty miles away. They picked through the trash as each truck dumped its load. They sorted through more than 200,000 tons of garbage before their worst fears came true: Sticking out of the trash were a child's lifeless legs. (I believe this is every mother's worst nightmare.)

I only have one question: How long are we going to stand by and let sex offenders continue to kill our children?

Please pray for the healing of this family after their tragic loss.

MODERN DAY SLAVERY

What would you say if I told you slavery is the second largest criminal industry in the world today? No, I'm not talking about slavery as it existed in the early 1900's. I'm talking about human trafficking. In the U.S., 200,000 to 350,000 children are at risk of being trafficked into the sex industry each year. This threatens all our children...yours and mine. Human trafficking is the fastest growing criminal industry, grossing over $30 million dollars a year.

Women and children are at the greatest risk of being trafficked for the purpose of prostitution, strip clubs, pornography, and live sex shows, but no one is immune...no matter the race, gender or class.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

• FORCE - By abduction/kidnapping that involves rapes, beatings, and confinement. "Boyfriends" have been known to sell their girlfriends into prostitution.
• FRAUD - Lured by false job offers or marriage proposals. Parents often sell their children believing their child will have a better life only to have them sold into prostitution. Strip clubs and other adult businesses are often fronts for trafficking and prostituion.
• COERCION - Involves threats of physical harm, physical restraint, and debt-bondage.

FACTS:

• The average age of victims is 11 to 14.
• Approximately 80% of victims are female. Males are usually sold to work in sweat shops, farms or other forms of service.
• 70% of all victims are trafficked for sexual purposes.
• Approximately 20,000 victims are trafficked INTO the U.S. each year.
• There are approximately 800,000 trafficking victims worldwide.

ACCORDING TO SHARED HOPE INTERNATIONAL:

• 12 years old is the average age for entry into pornography and prostitution in the U.S.
• In the U.S., the sale of child pornography is a $3 billion dollar industry annually.
• Pimps earn up to $632,000 per year by selling four young women or children.
• Domestic minor sex trafficking victims are sold 10 to 15 times per night, 6 days a week, totaling between 9,360 and 14.040 sex acts in a year. (This is just ONE child.)
• Buyers purchase between 645,840 and 968,760 sex acts from children annually.

RECENT HEADLINES:

• 6 people face charges in connection to largest sex trafficking case in Houston, TX.
• 45-year-old woman in Nashville, TN prostituted girls out of motel room for $40.00.
• Ring of traffickers in South California sentenced to prison for trafficking 10 girls.
• Trafficker in Atlanta, GA admits to trafficking girls.

And the list of headlines go on and on.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

You have to agree this is a horrific life that innocent children are forced into every single day. These are OUR children. It's been said that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it's time this village puts a stop to human trafficking, and you can help:

• Become informed. Visit the websites below and learn all that you can about human trafficking.
• Educate others about human trafficking. Talk to your friends and family to bring more awareness. Write an article for your local newspaper. Write about human trafficking on your blog. Include information about human trafficking in local newsletters or bulletins.
• Give financially.

LINKS TO TRAFFICKING WEBSITES:

http://www.thehomefoundation.net/
http://www.sharedhope.org/
http://www.humantrafficking.org/
http://slavationarmyusa.org/trafficking

TEEN TRENDS: TEENS & TANNING BEDS

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

Who loves to have a great tan? Go ahead, raise your hand. And why not? Hollywood makes tanned skin appear attractive and healthy. But are the ways used to achieve that golden tan really healthy?

Tanned skin is still sought after, especially by adolescent girls, and they continue to spend hours basking in the sun or laying in tanning beds, and this behavior is dangerous to their health.

UVA & UVB RAYS: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

UVA RAYS - Long wave solar waves, 220-400 nanometers.

• UVA RAYS go through windows, light clothes, and car windshields.
• UVA RAYS are present all year round, even winter.
• UVA RAYS are responsible for aging. They penetrate the skin deep, causing wrinkling and leathering of the skin, but are less likely to cause sunburn.
• UVA RAYS exacerbates UVB RAYS carcinogenic effects, but may also cause skin cancer, including melanoma.
• New high pressure sunlamps produce as much as 12 times the amount of UVA RAYS, as the amount received from the sun.

UVB RAYS - Short wave solar waves, 290-320 nanometers.

• UVB RAYS are more potent than UVA RAYS in producing sunburn.
• UVB RAYS are considered the main cause of skin cancer (basal & squamous cell carcinoma and melanoma).
• UVB RAYS are called the "tanning rays", as UVB RAYS stimulate the melanocyte cells to produce the brown pigment melanin.
• Large doses of UVB RAYS will cause acute sunburn, redness, burning sensation, and blistering.

FACTS:

• One out of 3 teenagers say they tan because it looks healthy. More than 80% of teens said they look better with a tan.
• 37% of white female teens and over 11% white male teens between the ages of 13 and 19 have used tanning beds.
• A 2002 study in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute found that using tanning beds increased the risks of skin cancer - 2.5 times for squamous cell carcinoma and 1.5 times for basal cell carcinoma - compared to nonusers.
• Most lights used in tanning beds give off mainly ultraviolet radiation, which causes eye and skin cancer.
• Teens who visit a tanning bed 10 times or more a year have 7 times greater incidence of melanoma.
• The risk of skin cancer jumps by 75% when teens use tanning beds.
• Doctors are seeing more teenagers with melanoma; something that used to be rare.
• Studies show tanning bed use caused a 20% increased risk of developing melanoma, the deadliest kind of skin cancer.
• Melanoma is now the leading cancer diagnosed in women in their twenties. In the past, skin cancer was highest in people over 75.
• Despite warnings about the risk of skin cancer from too much sun exposure, most teens don't use sunblock and will endure sunburns for a tan.

We know that (some) teenagers can be very vain, especially girls. It's hard to get the message across to them that sun exposure will cause skin cancer 5, 10, 20 years from now. They only care about the present and how they look today.

Check your skin often for abnormal looking moles.

The American Cancer Society encourages teens and adults to use self tanning lotions as the best option for getting a tan. Talk to your teen about how serious "basking in the sun" or tanning bed use can be and make sure you set a good example, because it is just as dangerous for adults to sunbathe or use tanning beds.

*Lawmakers have introduced legislation that would make it illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to use tanning beds, and these facilities could be fined up to $500.00 if caught letting teens use their tanning beds. Do you think tanning beds should be illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to use?

REMEMBERING 9/11

I felt the need to put up a post today in remembrance of everyone who lost their lives and for those who lost family members on 9/11 eight years ago. Every year on 9/11, I watch a video of what happened that fateful day to remind me of why we had to go to war to fight these terrorists. I know a lot of people are against the war, but President Bush could not stand back and let these terrorists get away with this horrible act of violence, in which so many people lost their lives. President Bush had a big decision to make that day just like President Roosevelt did when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. That is a lot of pressure for one man to take on, and I believe he did what he thought was best for America.

So as you watch this video, please remember this day and pray for the families of those individuals who lost their lives and be reminded of why we are at war against these terrorists.

TEEN TRENDS: THE LEGAL HALLUCINOGEN

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

Salvia Divinorium is a legal, powerful hallucinogenic herb easily obtained by teens. Salvia is not a new drug or plant. Salvia is a member of the sage family and a common garden plant.

Teens experimenting with Salvia may find themselves unable to stop.

SIDE EFFECTS:

• Psychic effects include perceptions of bright lights, vivid colors and shapes.
• Uncontrollable laughter.
• Visual alterations.
• Body or object distortion.
• Loss of physical coordination.
• Sense of total confusion or madness.
• Intense dissociation and disconnectedness from reality.
• Hallucinations.
• Dizziness and dysphoria.
• Physical and visual impairment.
• Synesthesia, e.g. hear colors and smells sounds.
• Sense of flying, floating, and twisting.
• Feeling of being underground or underwater.
• Experimenting multiple realities.
• Loss of sense of awareness as an individual.
• Feeling as though one has entered into the "realm of the dead".
• Becoming inanimate objects (a wall, stairs, a couch, etc).
• A negative experience can be living nightmares and blackouts.

STREET NAMES:

• Sally D
• Magic Mint
• Shepherdess' Herb
• Diviner's Sage
• Sage of he Seers

THREE DEGREES OF USE:

1. GENERAL INEBRIATION (a few hits) - Similar to mushrooms with brighter colors and increased sexual desire.

2. INCREASED POTENCY - Users fall into trances.

3. FURTHER INCREASED POTENCY - User remains conscious, but loses accurate perception of actual surroundings. At this point, the person should not be left alone and must have a sober person in the room. The user is in an altered reality, will wander, and encounter brief periods of unconsciousness and blackouts.

HOW IS SALVIA USED?

• When chewed, its effects appear within 5 to 10 minutes.
• When smoked (most common), its effects appear within 30 minutes.

IS YOUR TEEN USING SALVIA?

There is a Salvia language that has been created specifically for this drug. These words are used to describe a "trip". The use of this language may be the only clue a parent has that their teen is using Salvia:

• After glow
• Besaged
• Dissociadelic
• Dream people
• Fantasia
• Floating
• Goofy
• Magic Casements
• Mind Tunnels
• Sound of silence
• Visions
• Strange attractor
• Weird
• wiSalviaom

SALVIA IS ILLEGAL IN THE FOLLOWING STATES:

• Delaware
• Florida
• Illinois
• Kansas
• Mississippi
• Nebraska (Beginning in December 2009)
• North Dakota
• South Dakota
• Ohio
• Oklahoma
• Virginia

ONLY LEGAL WHEN NOT INTENDED FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION:

• Louisiana
• Tennesee

LEGAL FOR ADULTS BUT ILLEGAL TO SELL TO MINORS:

• California
• Maine

"Salvia Divinorum has been steadily growing in popularity over the last few years due to the incredible visionary mystical experiences people are having. Many people are discovering Salvia Divinorum as a powerful tool for soul searching, exploration of consciousness and pure bliss."

In researching Salvia Divinorum, I found it is often hard to detect if your teen is using this drug. It is usually done in groups, because of the hallucinogenic effects, and these effects can last between 15 minutes to a couple of hours depending on the method of use. This is one more reason why parents have to stay aware of what their teens are up to. Become familiar with the language above, because as I said before, this could be the only clue you have that your teen is using Salvia. Listen to your teen and his/her friends talking. Get involved in their conversations, ask questions. They won't like it, but hey your the parent. I still get in the middle of Hollie's conversations (even if she's on the cell phone & I only hear a one-sided conversation). She gets irritated with me, but I just smile and tell her I love her.

(As with marijuana, there was mention of health benefits of salvia divinorum, but my blog is geared towards dangerous teen trends.)

www.parentingteens.suite101.com