EMOTIONAL ABUSE: ARE YOU GUILTY?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” How many times have we heard this popular childhood phrase? But the truth is, words do hurt. Those words cut to the core of a child and changes who they are (like Dr. Phil always says).

 

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse, but the least understood and the least talked about. Of all forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is the cruelest and is more debilitating than physical abuse. *“When it comes to damage, there is no difference between physical and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser’s weapons.” Emotional abuse is often trivialized, and we think “she’ll get over it”, but the pain never stops.
Emotional Abuse Takes on Many Forms, including:

• Insults
• Criticism
• Degrading
• Humiliation
• Threats
• Teasing
• Labeling
• Giving the silent treatment
• Name-calling
• Rejection
• Yelling/swearing
• Threatening abandonment

EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

• Emotional abuse leaves a child believing what he/she hears and leaves him/her feeling unworthy, unlovable, insignificant, and needy.
• Children who are emotionally abused are five times more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.
• Children who are subjected to emotional abuse are found to be angry, uncooperative, unattached, hostile, aggressive, and have an extreme negative opinion of themselves.
• Repeated verbal abuse, such as ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling, and humiliation have long-term effects on a child’s self-esteem and contributes to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness, and self-blame.
• Emotional abuse can have severe physical and psychological consequences for children, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, and stomach problems.
• Emotional abuse can also affect a child’s social development and may result in an impaired ability to feel and express emotions.

*SIGNS OF POSSIBLE EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

• Depression
• Withdrawal
• Low self-esteem
• Aggression
• Emotional instability
• Sleep disturbance
• Inappropriate behavior
• Suicide attempts
• Under achievement
• Frequent crying
• Self destructive behavior (cutting, eating disorder, etc)

MY STORY
My daughter was emotionally and verbally abused by her father. It started around the age of 4 or 5. He would call her stupid, fat, and ignorant. He would tell her he was leaving (because of her) and never coming back, just to watch her cry. When he got mad, the words would just spew out of his mouth. Of course, I never just stood there while he abused Hollie. I always stepped in, so he would turn on me – yelling, cussing, upset because I wasn’t “backing him up.” We had to walk on eggshells around him. It was a living nightmare.

I tried telling him over and over that Hollie was going to have problems later in life, but he thought he was “toughening her up”, getting her ready for the "real world". I know I should have left sooner than I did, and I carry that guilt with me, especially when I see Hollie hurting.

When Hollie was seven and he called her a “stupid bitch”, I decided enough was enough, and I developed a plan and was finally able to move out. After we separated, he continued the abuse during “his” weekend, so I told him either the abuse stopped or I would see to it that he only had supervised visitations. He finally grew up and stopped the abuse, but not before the damage was done.

Today, Hollie suffers from insomnia and severe anxiety. She has been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder. She has tried cutting, street drugs, narcotics, and alcohol to try to stop the inner pain. I have taken her to a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and four counselors to try to help her, but nothing has helped.

If you are a parent who is emotionally abusing your child, please seek professional help, so you can stop this destructive behavior. If your spouse is emotionally abusing your child, you need to make him seek help. If he refuses, you should seriously consider leaving. I won't make you think it will be easy, because it won’t be, but you have to do what is best for you and your child. And chances are, if he’s abusing your child, he’s also abusing you, and the abuse will only get worse.

Believe me, there is nothing you can do or say that can undo the damage caused by emotional abuse, because it scars the heart and soul of your child.

(About two years ago, Hollie’s dad finally apologized to her for the way he treated her. Their relationship is better, but still strained.)



*Andrew Vachss, Parade Magazine, August 28, 1994http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm