TEEN TRENDS: 10 Signs of an Abusive Boyfriend

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

After watching Dr. Phil yesterday, I learned that February is Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Awareness Month! I decided to run this guest post again to help keep parents aware of what they need to be on the look out for, because so many of our daughters get caught up in an abusive relationship, and they are scared, and may not feel they can turn to you for help, especially if their boyfriend has threatened them.  This is where being a "hands-on" parent is very important.

(Because of school and midterms, I am honored to have a guest writer this week that many of you probably know. Elizabeth Donovan, M. A. of ParentingPink.com is the author of this great post that all parents who have a daughter, who is of dating age, should read and make note of these warning signs. It wouldn't hurt for the parents of sons to also read this article to see if he is displaying some of these signs towards his girlfriend. Remember to leave a comment letting Elizabeth know how much you enjoyed her article.)

“I’m fine mom! Leave me alone!” she tearfully yells as she storms upstairs. Your daughter and her boyfriend are fighting again. Lately, it seems like that’s all they do. As you try to conjure up images of your own dating experience, you may find yourself wondering if this much fighting is normal. And if so, how would you know if something far worse is going on?As parents, it’s easy for us to feel protective and controlling when it comes to raising our daughters. Our child’s happiness and safety are constantly on our mind. But it can be difficult to confront unpleasant situations with our teenagers no matter how prepared we are to do so. We may tell ourselves, “It’s her first boyfriend, arguments happen.” or, “She would never tolerate anyone who hurt her. She’d walk away in a heartbeat.” But unfortunately many teenage girls get caught up in relationships that are unhealthy and harmful. In fact, 26% of girls in grades 9-12 have been the victim of abuse including emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse.As parents, we do our best to prepare and nurture our girls to become strong women, but sooner or later, our daughters will have to make their own choices about friends, drugs, and boys. If you suspect your daughter may be a victim of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, it’s important to identify the signs so you can intervene immediately.

Remember, your daughter may be unable or unwilling to tell you what’s really going on. Her boyfriend may have threatened her or she may be afraid of how you will react. Regardless, it’s up to you to help her sort everything out. Early intervention can mean the difference between a healthy psychological recovery and devastating loss.

TOP 10 SIGNS OF ABUSE:

• Isolation. Typically the first step of an abuser is to isolate their victim. He wants to control her and may insist that your daughter stop spending time with family and friends. His goal is to isolate her and he will resort to any tactic he finds necessary – including telling her lies about family and friends. He might say, “You don’t need to go to the mall with your girlfriend; she’s saying things behind your back anyway. You know I really love you and would never do that.”
• It’s all about HIM. Once your daughter’s isolated, then he can more easily control and manipulate her. His goal? To make her completely – physically and emotionally – dependent on him for everything. Without the support of family and friends, it will also make it harder for her to leave him.
• Her dress dramatically changes. Your daughter may start to wear long sleeved shirts in warm weather or more make-up on her face to hide bruising. She may also begin to dress the way he dictates. Some abusive boyfriends insist that their girlfriends either wear clothing that is way too baggy (he doesn’t want other guys to find her attractive) or clothing that is overly sexy (in an effort to exploit her).
• Withdraws from activities she used to love. If your daughter abruptly decides she wants to quit the basketball team or stop attending Youth Group, you should make sure she’s not being pressured to do so. The less contact she has with the outside world, the more dependent she will become on her boyfriend. By withdrawing from the world, not only is she more susceptible to his abuse, but she may develop additional mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
• He controls her every move. He decides where they will go, who they will spend time with, what she will wear, and how she will behave. He may also get pushy or bossy with you over when he can see her and how often.
• She makes excuses for bruises or marks on her body. If you notice any unusual bruising or marks, your teen may make excuses for them. Remember, victims often feel ashamed and embarrassed about the abuse. She may also be so entrenched in the relationship with her boyfriend that she is in denial about what is really going on.
• Intense mood swings. It’s a fact that teens have hormones and mood swings, but be on the look out for more severe behavior like crying more often, refusing to be with family, extreme anger, or intense depression.
• watch for signs of extreme jealousy from her boyfriend.
• Sleep disturbances or nightmares. When our bodies are stressed, one of the first things that begin to crop up is sleep disturbances. If your daughter is experiencing trauma in her life, her sleep patterns may be interrupted. She may exhibit any of the following symptoms: insomnia, nightmares, or sleeping more than usual.
• Academic failure. One sure fire way to predict that something is going on with your daughter is if you see a dramatic shift in her grades. If her grades begin to fall, it’s time to investigate the cause.

While these signs may point to signs of abuse, it’s important to remember that taken together or separately, they may also be symptoms of other issues. If you suspect that you daughter has been a victim of any form of abuse, it’s important to TALK to her about it and to seek professional mental health counseling. The trauma of abuse can have far-reaching effects on your daughter and your family so it’s important to help her get through it now. She may protest, but she will thank you later.

Another thing I learned on Dr. Phil yesterday, and this is scary, but Dr. Phil says, "the most violent time in an abusive relationship is the minute the woman leaves, or tries to leave. In fact, in domestic violence cases, more than 70 percent of injuries and murders happen after the victim leaves. This phenomenon is known as separation assault." Leaving an abusive relationship can be very hard for your daughter, granddaughter, or sister.

If you think your daughter may be in an abusive relationship, Dr. Phil has this questionnaire on his site that will help you answer that question.  http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/670

If you have a daughter who is currently in a relationship, this is a quiz you need to take even if her boyfriend appears to be the nicest guy in town, because remember, he is going to be the perfect gentleman in front of you, but you may recognize some of the signs that Elizabeth mentioned above.

 

Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., founder of ParentingPink.com, is a former adolescent psychotherapist and mental health supervisor with over a decade of experience in the field. She has three daughters and resides just outside of Washington D.C.

You can read more of her articles at http://www.parentingpink.com/

EMOTIONAL ABUSE: ARE YOU GUILTY?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” How many times have we heard this popular childhood phrase? But the truth is, words do hurt. Those words cut to the core of a child and changes who they are (like Dr. Phil always says).

 

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse, but the least understood and the least talked about. Of all forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is the cruelest and is more debilitating than physical abuse. *“When it comes to damage, there is no difference between physical and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser’s weapons.” Emotional abuse is often trivialized, and we think “she’ll get over it”, but the pain never stops.
Emotional Abuse Takes on Many Forms, including:

• Insults
• Criticism
• Degrading
• Humiliation
• Threats
• Teasing
• Labeling
• Giving the silent treatment
• Name-calling
• Rejection
• Yelling/swearing
• Threatening abandonment

EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

• Emotional abuse leaves a child believing what he/she hears and leaves him/her feeling unworthy, unlovable, insignificant, and needy.
• Children who are emotionally abused are five times more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.
• Children who are subjected to emotional abuse are found to be angry, uncooperative, unattached, hostile, aggressive, and have an extreme negative opinion of themselves.
• Repeated verbal abuse, such as ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling, and humiliation have long-term effects on a child’s self-esteem and contributes to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness, and self-blame.
• Emotional abuse can have severe physical and psychological consequences for children, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, and stomach problems.
• Emotional abuse can also affect a child’s social development and may result in an impaired ability to feel and express emotions.

*SIGNS OF POSSIBLE EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

• Depression
• Withdrawal
• Low self-esteem
• Aggression
• Emotional instability
• Sleep disturbance
• Inappropriate behavior
• Suicide attempts
• Under achievement
• Frequent crying
• Self destructive behavior (cutting, eating disorder, etc)

MY STORY
My daughter was emotionally and verbally abused by her father. It started around the age of 4 or 5. He would call her stupid, fat, and ignorant. He would tell her he was leaving (because of her) and never coming back, just to watch her cry. When he got mad, the words would just spew out of his mouth. Of course, I never just stood there while he abused Hollie. I always stepped in, so he would turn on me – yelling, cussing, upset because I wasn’t “backing him up.” We had to walk on eggshells around him. It was a living nightmare.

I tried telling him over and over that Hollie was going to have problems later in life, but he thought he was “toughening her up”, getting her ready for the "real world". I know I should have left sooner than I did, and I carry that guilt with me, especially when I see Hollie hurting.

When Hollie was seven and he called her a “stupid bitch”, I decided enough was enough, and I developed a plan and was finally able to move out. After we separated, he continued the abuse during “his” weekend, so I told him either the abuse stopped or I would see to it that he only had supervised visitations. He finally grew up and stopped the abuse, but not before the damage was done.

Today, Hollie suffers from insomnia and severe anxiety. She has been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder. She has tried cutting, street drugs, narcotics, and alcohol to try to stop the inner pain. I have taken her to a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and four counselors to try to help her, but nothing has helped.

If you are a parent who is emotionally abusing your child, please seek professional help, so you can stop this destructive behavior. If your spouse is emotionally abusing your child, you need to make him seek help. If he refuses, you should seriously consider leaving. I won't make you think it will be easy, because it won’t be, but you have to do what is best for you and your child. And chances are, if he’s abusing your child, he’s also abusing you, and the abuse will only get worse.

Believe me, there is nothing you can do or say that can undo the damage caused by emotional abuse, because it scars the heart and soul of your child.

(About two years ago, Hollie’s dad finally apologized to her for the way he treated her. Their relationship is better, but still strained.)



*Andrew Vachss, Parade Magazine, August 28, 1994http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm