TEEN TRENDS - BULLYING

(This blog is written to inform parents & others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

As the new school year begins so does the homework, sports, cheer-leading, other extracurricular activities, and sadly, bullying. This is an old post that I did last school year, but as the new year starts up again, the bullying will soon follow, so I thought it was important to put this topic back into the forefront of all parent's minds.  Even though a lot of attention has been placed on bullying, a solution for this huge problem has not been found, so it is up to parents to take a stand and fight for their child.  Every child has the right to attend school, without the fear of being the victim of a bully.

BULLYING is the assertion of power through aggression in a repeated, hostile behavior by one or more people, which is intended to harm others.

BULLYING TAKES ON MANY FORMS:

• Physical violence, including hitting, tripping, punching, kicking, shoving, pinching. Verbal threats, taunts, teasing, name calling, put-downs, and spreading of malicious rumor.
• Threats and intimidation.
• Stealing money and possessions.
• Exclusion from peer groups, rejection, isolation, humiliation.
• Cyber-bullying, including harassing e-mails or IMs, as well as hurtful and threatening postings on websites or blogs.

"Bullying is not about anger. It is not a conflict to be resolved, it's about contempt - a powerful feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect. Contempt comes with three apparent psychological advantages that allow kids to harm others without feeling empathy, compassion or shame. These are: a sense of entitlement that they have the right to hurt or control others, an intolerance towards difference, and a freedom to exclude, bar, isolate, and segregate others." (Barbara Coloroso "The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander")

WARNING SIGNS OF BULLYING:

• Damaged or missing clothing or other personal belongings
• Unexplained bruises or other injuries
• A loss of friends
• Reluctance to go to school
• Poor school performance
• Headaches, stomachaches or other physical complaints
• Trouble sleeping or change in eating habits
• A loss of interest in activities he/she previously enjoyed
• Low self esteem, depression, suicidal thoughts

WHY DO SOME KIDS BULLY?

• They may see it as a way of being popular.
• To make themselves appear tough and in charge.
• To get attention or make other people afraid of them.
• They may be jealous of the person they are bullying. 
• They may have been bullied themselves.
 

KIDS WHO BULLY ARE MORE LIKELY TO:

• Do poorly in school.
• Be suspended or expelled from school. 
• Not be respected or trusted. 
• Be seen as mean and unpleasant. 
• Smoke and drink alcohol. 
• Commit crimes in the future. 
• Have their first serious encounter with the law in their mid-20's.

*FACTS ABOUT BULLYING:

• Bullying occurs in school playgrounds every 7 minutes and once every 25 minutes in class.
• 11 to 12 year old students reported bullying others more than younger (9-10 year old) and older (13-14 year old) students.
• Boys report more physical forms of bullying; girls tend to bully in indirect ways, such as gossiping and excluding.
• Boys who bully are physically stronger and have a need to dominate others.
• Girls who bully tend to be physically weaker than other girls in their class.
• Bullies have little empathy for their victims and show little remorse about bullying.
• Boys and girls are equally likely to report being bullied.
• Research has not supported the popular stereotype that victims have unusual physical traits.
• 85% of bullying episodes occur in the context of a peer group.
• 83% of students indicate that watching bullying makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Bullying stops in less than 10 seconds 57% of the time when peers intervene on behalf of the victim.
• In playground observations, peers intervened in 11% of the bullying episodes, while teachers only intervened in 4% of bullying episodes.
• Bullies often come from homes that are neglectful, hostile, and use harsh punishment.
• Bullying is  a learned behavior.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO (If you suspect your child is being bullied)?

• Talk often with your child and listen carefully.
• Ask about your child's school day and friends.
• Ask if your child feels safe at school.
• Encourage your child to share his/her concerns.
• Learn as much as you can about the situation. (Ask your child to describe how and when the bullying occurs, who is involved, and if other children or adults have witnessed the bullying.)
• Teach your child how to respond to bullying. (Don't encourage fighting back against a bully, as this could lead to him/her getting hurt or getting in trouble.)
• Contact school officials.  You may also want to encourage school officials to address bullying as part of the curriculum.
• Followup.  Keep in contact with school officials if the bullying continues.  Be persistent.
• Boost your child's self-confidence.  Help your child get involved in activities to raise self esteem, such as sports, karate, music or art.
• Know when to seek professional help.  Consider professional or school counseling for your child if his/her fear or anxiety becomes overwhelming.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO (When your child is a bully)?

• Take is seriously.  Don't treat bullying as a passing phase.
• Teach that bullying is disrespectful and can be dangerous.
• Talk to your child to find out why he or she is bullying.
• Help build empathy for others and for those who are physically different.  Have them spend time with people of different backgrounds, races, ethnicity, mental and physical disabilities. 
• Talk to your child about how it feels to be bullied.
• Ask a teacher if your child is facing any problems at school.
• Teach that bullying on the basis of race, ethnicity, religion, disability, sexual orientation is a form of hate behavior and is, in some cases, a hate crime.
• Become a part of the bullying prevention efforts and programs at your school.

As if traditional bullying wasn't enough, kids are now being bullied online, called CYBER bullying.

i-SAFE America research team surveyed more than 1500 students in 4th to 8th grade across the country that revealed: 

• 58% admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online.
• 53% admit having said something mean or hurtful to another online.
• 42% have been bullied online.
• 58% of kids have not told their parents or any adult about being bullied online.

CYBER-BULLYING INCLUDES:

• A threatening email. 
• Nasty instant messages (IMs)
• Repeated texts sent to cell phone. 
• A website setup to mock others.
• "Borrowing" someones screen name and pretending to be them while posting a message.
• Forwarding supposedly private messages, pictures or video to others.

PREVENTION TECHNIQUES FOR AVOIDING BULLIES ONLINE:

• Don't give out private information, especially passwords. Not even to friends.
• Don't send a message when you are angry-it is hard to undo things that are said in anger.
• Never open, read or reply to messages from cyber-bullies.
• If it is school related, tell your school.
• Do not erase the messages. They may be needed to take action.
• If bullied through chat or IM, the bully can often be blocked.
• If you are threatened with harm, call the police.
• By speaking out and telling an adult, online bullying can be stopped.

Bullying is an age old problem, but gone are the days when we can sit back and say, "kids will be kids". Bullying has gone too far. School administrators, teachers, school staff, students, and parents have got to accept the responsibility to recognize, report, and intervene when bullying occurs. We can no longer close our eyes to it. Studies have shown that acts of serious school violence (school shootings) stem from bullying issues, along with suicide.

The video below is by Christian rock band Super Chick, called "Hero". It was made in remembrance of those killed in the Columbine school shootings. Please watch and listen to the words.

WILL YOU BE SOMEONES HERO?

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY! WORDS DO HURT!!

JOIN THE CIRCLE OF RESPECT TO HELP STOP TEEN BULLYING

Bullying has become a hot topic lately.  That's because bullying has become a serious problem, and sadly, it has taken school shootings and teen suicides (now called bully-cide) to get parents (me included), school officials, counselors, and other experts to realize we can't just sit back and do nothing.  In years past, there were "schoolyard" bullies, but a teenager could escape these bullies, and once they were at home, they felt safe and were out of the line-of-fire.  But now,  there is cyberbullying, and there is no place to hide.  There are text messages, instant messages, MySpace, Facebook, blogs, and other websites. If you go to YouTube, there are hundreds of videos about teenagers who have committed suicide because of bullying.

So, what can we do?  We need to start now  and teach/remind our teenagers about respect and exactly what respect is.  You certainly expect them to respect you and other adults.   They also need to learn to develop tolerance for others who are different from themselves.  In any given school, there are many differences among students, including race, religion, academic ability, and sexual orientation, so there has  to be respect and tolerance.  It is never too late to start teaching  your teen to show respect for others.

National Crime Prevention Council’s (NCPC) will be unveiling a campaign, Circle of Respect, to protect teens from bullying and cyberbullying. "Launching in October, the campaign seeks to change the commonly held belief that bullying is a rite of passage, and teaches instead that such behavior is unacceptable through a positive, pro-social message that encourages respect and consideration for others."

I recently had the opportunity to conduct an online interview with Robin Young*, children and youth expert, who manages the Circle of Respect program:

1. Watching the news, with the recent suicides because of bullying, it sounds like some schools are ignoring the problem.  How much responsibility falls to the schools to help prevent bullying?

Bullying can be a tricky issue for schools because sometimes the bullying activities occur off the school grounds, but because it can spill over into school hours, the school personnel have to be prepared to respond.  However, there’s a partnership that must be maintained between the parents and the schools to address this problem for our children.  For instance, many parents have become involved with their local schools through the NCPC “Be Safe and Sound in School” program where we help schools and parents work together to create codes of conduct about bullying or create safety plans to prevent school violence.

Schools have also been proactive in implementing bullying prevention activities and programs specifically designed to improve the school climate.  If your school is not among those being proactive on this issue, parents should contact their local schools and discuss plans to create a specific anti-bullying policy.

2.   How involved should the schools be in terms of issuing punishment for bullying, and what type of punishment should the bully receive?

This is a tough area for many school administrators and staff.  The schools have to establish a climate where students feel safe to learn and thrive.  It is important that the school inform students and parents that bullying will not be tolerated on school grounds and outline the potential consequences through their code of conduct document for any students caught bullying.  Disciplinary actions can range from zero tolerance, such as suspension or expulsion, to in-school detention or attending counseling or conflict resolution programs.  When the school notifies the parents about a bullying situation, it is important for the parents to take it seriously and work with the school to resolve the situation. 

3.   When a student commits suicide because of bullying, should the one who did the bullying be charged with a crime?

It is tragic when a young person takes their own life because they were bullied.  Each bullying situation is different and must be evaluated as such.  Not every bullying situation escalates to the point where law enforcement must intervene.  However, in some cases young people have been charged with a crime, such as physical assault or where the laws exist, might be charged with some form of cyber-harassment or cyberbullying.  Many states are now looking at or in the process of passing legislation about bullying and cyberbullying.  Parents need to check what type of legislation exists in their state.

4.   Should the parent be held accountable if their child is bullying?

It depends.  If the parent is encouraging their child to bully another child ,then they should be held accountable.  However, parents may often be unaware of their child’s unruly behavior.  So parents can watch for several signs to determine if their child may bully others:

• Values aggression
• FIghts often with other siblings
• Is an arrogant winner and sore loser
• Likes to be in charge
• Lacks both empathy and sympathy for others 

5.   What is the best way for parents to teach their children to respect others who are different?

A child who is exposed to others with different cultural backgrounds and ethnicities becomes more appreciative and respectful of others who are different.  Respect is at the heart of several pervasive crimes with our young people, especially bullying.  A person with respect for a classmate is less likely to bully that person or engage in cyberbullying or sexting. A partner in a teen dating relationship is less likely to commit relationship violence. A youth with respect for his or her community is less likely to vandalize that community or resort to petty crime.  NCPC’s newest initiative called the Circle of Respect works with young people and their parents to foster a culture of respect they can embrace at home, in school, and within their community.

6.   What signs should parents look for to determine if their child is being bullied?

In our research, NCPC found that of the 43% of children who reported being cyberbullied, only one in ten of them told their parents.  Bullying is a problem where many kids suffer in silence.  Therefore, it is imperative for parents to recognize some tell-tale signs of bullying:

• Sudden withdrawal from friends or activities they once enjoyed
• Isolation or loss of friends
• A drop in grades
• A loss of interest in activities
• Torn clothing or bruises
• Not wanting to go to school or coming up with excuses to miss school

7.   Which do you feel is more damaging, cyberbullying or bullying in person?

Some may argue cyberbullying is more devastating because technology allows them to be re-victimized every time someone forwards the cyberbullying messages.  Cyberbullying and bullying can both have long-lasting effects on a child.  At NCPC, we aim to prevent both forms of bullying because they can be equally devastating.  It is important for parents to realize that bullying is not a rite of passage for any child.
 

Putting a stop to bullying is everyone's responsibility, and you can teach your teen ways to help stop bullying. (Tips from the Circle of Respect website.)

Stop the Bullying

• Refuse to participate in taunting and teasing
• Treat others the way you would like to be treated
• Tell adults if you witness cruelty or hear about violence that might occur
• Walk away from fights
• Speak out against the bully
• Stand tall and walk with confidence and in a way that commands respect
• Hang out with friends who don't get involved in bullying
• Stand up for others who are being intimidated
• Include the person who is being bullied in your activities
• Show compassion for the victim

Do you want to become more active in The Circle of Respect?  Here are some other ways you can do so:

Circle of Respect Book Club: Take part in the online Book Club to generate a guided national discussion about this issue. The Book Club will feature one book each month on the Circle of Respect’s website by a noted author in the field of bullying and cyberbullying. Each author will also lead an in-depth discussion via a downloadable podcast.

Sign up for Email Alerts: Sign up for email alerts to get updates on the campaign, find out how you can be involved, get sneak previews of what's happening next, and even enter contests.

Make Your Pledge: What actions will you pledge to take in order to spread awareness and widen the Circle of Respect? Let us know.

View Pledges: Sign up for your own free account on the Circle of Respect to see what others are doing to help.

Awareness Video Viral: NCPC and Saatchi & Saatchi unveiled an animated short starring everyone’s favorite crime dog, McGruff^®,  to teach a whole new generation of children how to “Take A Bite Out of Crime.” View and share the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bizeJYJJVdU 

Simply spread the word: It’s as easy as it sounds. Share the campaign online via your social networks and also talk openly with your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and/or peers.

Join us on Facebook: Become a fan today and share your ideas and stories with the community. Visit: www.facebook.com/pages/Circle-of-Respect/175965669110936

For more information, visit: www.circleofrespect.org

FACES OF SUICIDE

*Robin Young has appeared on several television and radio stations as an expert on bullying prevention and has been quoted in media sources such as Yahoo! News and The San Diego Tribune advising parents on how to protect their children from cyberbullying.  

TEEN TRENDS: GAY TEENS

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)

I know this is a very controversial topic.  I, myself, do not believe the gay lifestyle is right.  In Leviticus 18:22, the Bible clearly states, "'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable". The Bible also says in Matthew 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use." But I am not here to debate whether this lifestyle is right or wrong.  The fact that teenagers are being bullied because they are gay or they are "perceived" to be gay, "that is detestable".  Five young men have committed suicide in the past three to four weeks, because they were bullied for being gay or perceived to be gay:

• 18-year-old Tyler Clementi
• 13-year-old Seth Walsh
• 15-year-old Justin Aaberg
• 13-year-old Asher Brown
• 19-year-old Raymond Chase (although his brother said he wasn't bullied)

And there are five mothers who are mourning the senseless death of their sons.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers. The Centers for Disease Control states suicide is the second leading cause of death on college campuses.  But for a young person who is gay, the risk is even higher.  According to The Trevor Project, "gay teens are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers; 9 out of 10 teen LGBT students have experienced harassment at school".

I devoted a post on bullying, as bullying is a big problem in our schools, and there seems to be no end in sight.  And from the news reports I have seen, it seems that the schools are not wanting to take responsibility for the bullying that is taking place or even try to put a stop to the bullying...so it falls into the hands of parents.  We have to teach our teenagers to be tolerant of others.  In any given school, there are many differences among students, including race, religion, academic ability, and sexual orientation, so there has to be tolerance.

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the definition of tolerance is:

The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.

*HOW PARENTS CAN HELP TEENS LEARN TOLERANCE:

• Notice your own attitudes. Parents who want to help their teens value diversity can be sensitive to cultural stereotypes.  Demonstrate an attitude of respect for others.
• Remember that your teen is always listening. Be aware of the way you talk about people who are different from yourself. Do not make jokes that perpetuate stereotypes. Although these may seem like harmless fun, they can undo attitudes of tolerance and respect.
• Select books, toys, music, art, and videos carefully. Keep in mind the powerful effect the media and pop culture have on shaping attitudes.
• Point out and talk about unfair stereotypes that may be portrayed in media.
• Answer your teens' questions about differences honestly and respectfully. This teaches that it is acceptable to notice and discuss differences, as long as it is done with respect.
• Acknowledge and respect differences within your own family. Demonstrate acceptance of your children's differing abilities, interests, and styles. Value the uniqueness of each member of your family.
• Remember that tolerance does not mean tolerating unacceptable behavior. It means that everyone deserves to be treated with respect — and should treat others with respect as well.
• Help your teen feel good about himself/herself. Teenagers who feel badly about themselves often treat others badly. Teens with a strong self-esteem value and respect themselves and are more likely to treat others with respect, too.
• Give your teen opportunities to work and interact with others who are different from them.

When you encourage a tolerant attitude in your teen, talk about your values, and treat others  with respect, your teen will follow in your footsteps.

Okay! Who's with me? Let's put an end to bullying! Talk to your teenager today! (And God loves all his children no matter what.)

*http://kidshealth.org

 

TEEN TRENDS: ARE YOU RAISING A "MEAN GIRL"?

(This blog is written to inform parents and others of disturbing trends of teenagers.)


It's that time of year again!  Yes, it is back-to-school time. A time when you take your daughter shopping for new clothes, new shoes, a new book-bag. The store aisles are jam-packed with school supplies; the smell of new crayons, brightly colored binders, everything your daughter needs to prepare her for the new school year.

But, there is one thing every school has that you need to prepare your daughter for, and that is “mean girls”. You know the type; "the Queen Bee and her wannabees". Those girls who rule the school. They are popular and beautiful, with perfect hair, perfect skin, the perfect wardrobe, and they have power over other girls in the school, who would do anything to be part of this clique. (And these "mean girls" have been known to target boys in school.)
 

*The “mean girl” effect is so widespread that this type of bullying has now been termed “relational aggression” by psychologists.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO: 

• Talk to your daughter about these types of girls before school starts.  Knowledge is power.
• Teach her to convey self-confidence.  Mean girls target weaker girls.
• Contact school officials to find out if they have a policy in place to deal with bullying
• Each day, ask your daughter about school and friends
• Help her get involved in activities outside of school, such as sports, music, drama or art to help boost her self-esteem.
• Know when to seek professional help.  Consider counseling for your daughter if her anxiety becomes overwhelming.     

THIS TYPE OF "MEAN GIRL" BULLYING TAKES ON MANY FORMS:

• Being shunned
• Insults/degrading
• Taunting
• Name calling
• Malicious gossip
• Rejection
• Humiliation
• Teasing
• Exclusion from peer groups
• Harassment
• Cyber-bullying 

This type of bullying is hard to detect and is often trivialized.  We think, "she'll get over it", but the pain and effects of this type of aggression can last into adulthood.

*EFFECTS OF RELATIONAL AGGRESSION:

• A girl who suffers from this kind of bullying starts to believe she is unworthy and insignificant.
• She is more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs or develop an eating disorder.
• She becomes angry, unattached, uncooperative, hostile, and has an extreme negative opinion of herself.
• Relational aggression has a long-term effect on her self- esteem.
• She may develop psychological effects, such as depression, anxiety, headaches or stomach problems.

*

· b

WARNING SIGNS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER MAY BE THE TARGET OF “MEAN GIRLS”:

• Depression
• Withdrawal
• Low self-esteem
• Emotional instability
• Sleep disturbance or change in eating habits
• Suicidal thoughts or attempt
• Frequent crying
• Self-destructive behavior (cutting/eating disorder)
• Reluctance to go to school
• Loss of friends
• Poor school performance/drop in grades
• Headaches, stomachaches or other physical complaints
• Loss of interest in activities she previously enjoyed.

WHY ARE SOME GIRLS MEAN?

• To be popular
• To appear tough and in charge
• To make other girls afraid of them
• They suffer from low self-esteem and bullying makes them feel superior

It is hard to forget Phoebe Prince, an Irish immigrant and new arrival to a small Massachusetts town.  She committed suicide in January 2010 because she had been teased and taunted in person and by text messages, and harassed on social networking sites like Facebook by "mean girls".  These girls continued to mock Phoebe on Facebook even after she killed herself.

· 

But, girls are not born mean.  This is a learned behavior.  Most girls learn to intimidate and manipulate others from her home environment, usually from her mother.  If your daughter sees you gossiping, saying mean things about others, and acting snobbish to someone of a lower class, she believes this is how people are to be treated, and that this behavior is okay.  You should always demonstrate kindness and empathy towards others, especially in the presence of your daughter. 

Because it is often hard to catch “mean girl” behavior, it is vital that tween and teen girls have hands-on parents, who can recognize potential warning signs, and be there to help their daughter deal with these situations when they arise.  Be aware of your daughter’s struggles, because chances are she won’t ask for help.

*Picture courtesy of Mark Lawton.com
http://www.education.com/magazine/article/what-to-do-if-your-daughter-is-bullied/
*http://www.spsk12.net/departments/specialed/Relational%20Aggression.htm

HAVE COURAGE...HELP STOP BULLYING!!